Asking a parent about their wishes
Words for a first conversation about care wishes, and what to say if it doesn’t go the way you hoped.
You don’t need to say it word for word.
Before you start
- Pick an ordinary moment: a drive, a walk, washing up. Not a holiday or a hospital visit.
- Go in to listen, not to settle anything today.
- Decide what you’ll do if they say no: thank them, and ask again another time.
The words
Asking a parent about their wishes
Open gently
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. Nothing’s wrong, it’s not urgent.”
Saying nothing is wrong lowers the stakes.
Ask permission
“Would it be okay to talk about what you’d want if you ever got really sick?”
A yes keeps them in charge of the conversation.
Ask one open question
“If things got hard, what would matter most to you?”
Values first. Details like forms and places can come later.
Listen
“Tell me more about that.”
Let the silence sit. You don’t need to fill it.
Close with a next step
“Thank you. Can we come back to this in a few weeks?”
Ending on time makes the next talk easier.
If they say…
- “I don’t want to talk about that.”
- “That’s okay. Can I ask again another time?”
- “Just do whatever you think.”
- “I’d rather do what you’d want. What would feel right to you?”
- “You’re being morbid.”
- “I know it’s hard. I’m asking so I never have to guess.”
General guidance, not legal or medical advice. To put wishes in writing, talk with a qualified professional.
When you want a professional in the room
Some of these go better with help. These are the people families usually call.
Keep going
More on Plan ahead- Guide
How to start an end-of-life conversation
A calm, practical way to begin talking about wishes without demanding every answer at once.
- Checklist
Conversation starter checklist
Prepare for a useful first conversation without trying to solve everything in one sitting.
- Guide · Coming soon
When your parent doesn’t want to talk about it
What to do when the first try goes badly, and how to come back to it.